Wild Bees

Hey there - popping by to critique this for the challenge held over at CRLiterature
( akrasiel.deviantart.com/journa… )

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<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="210" title="Bullet; Red"/> S = section
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="210" title="Bullet; Red"/> ST = stanza
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="210" title="Bullet; Red"/> L = line

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Just as a start...you do know that putting questions in your comments as to what you actually want critique on is helpful right...just saying. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/e/e…" width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="288" title="Eyes"/>

Ok, let's dive in shall we. To start, I know very little about bees except that I am mildly allergic and that stepping on one is frakking sore. Also, you have to 'stroke' the sting in the opposite way it went into you to get it out of you and not try pick it with tweezers. Random info for you.

S1:
ST1, L4 - I love the imagery here, but I have a 'technical' problem with it...don't bunny's ears stand up tall and pointy and not hang limply? (I know this because I owned bunnies at one stage and my aunt had this farm too where she kept a few dozen cages of them). I know there are some bunnies with limp ears, FB has shown me that, but they seem to be an oddity. Unless there is a breed I don't know about.

ST2, L1 - I was once told that writing becomes more powerful if you remove words like 'then' from your sentences and I think this translates to poetry too.

ST2, L2 - The description of the cave as 'non-finger-thick' seems odd and clunky. I just can't picture it in my head and wonder why you described it this way? Is this something about wild bees that is specific and I should research it?

ST2, L3 - I would reconsider the use of 'warmly' as this is not really a description associated with something crawling. Maybe 'eagerly' or 'gently' or 'crisply' (though this last one might be a bit dodgy too).

ST3, L3 - Love this line very much. The personification of the garden brings about a wonderful mental image. Also, you've used a sensory description here (sound) that adds to the image I can see, and now hear, in my head.

S2:
ST1, L1 - Why use 'propellers'? It made me think helicopters, which might be what you were going for as the bees hover above the flowers, but it was a jarring image that kinda forced my brain away from the bee thing for a moment.

ST1, L1-2 - Small propellers are buzzing/And examine the caves. Tense issue here. Should be: Small propellers buzz/And examine the caves. or even Small propellers are buzzing/And examining the caves.

ST1, L4 - Why is the entrance sealed? (See how much I don't know about bees!) Is this a bee thing I should be reading up on? Also, how is the entrance sealed? What do the bees seal it with? Are the bees sealed inside?

ST2, L1 - The simplicity of this line is wonderful in its honesty. Personally I would be annoyed too, I think, and this enables me to relate to the writer quite nicely as the reader.

ST2, L2 - Why are the bees in the cellar? My aunt kept bees and the hives were outside in a field by the goats. Surely having them inside is dangerous if they swarm?

S3:
ST1, L1 - Great start as I immediately want to know why it's quiet.

ST1, L3 - Oh, the description here is superb. I would just rearrange the words a bit, as it's kinda clunky. Consider: A flowering fodder sea shines in the garden,

ST2, L1 - The 'is to' bothers me. I can't think what to change it to that doesn't sound cliché and boring though. I have considered things about the paper 'telling the story' but everyone write that. I'm stumped.

Overall:
I love how you've punctuated this. I'm a sucker for poems punctuated properly (because it helps me know where to breathe and handy things like that) and it's a thing one hardly sees nowadays.

There are aspects of this poem I don't understand, because my knowledge of bees is lacking. However, I'm not inspired to actually go research this information. I don't know, maybe I'm just not that into bees...or I'm lazy. Maybe include a bit of 'background knowledge' that is pertinent to bees in your comments for the lazy shmo's like me?

I did enjoy this piece though. It was well written and there were some gems line wise.

Hope this helped,
Jo