Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconmalintra-shadowmoon: More from Malintra-Shadowmoon


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
December 22, 2012
File Size
1.0 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
221
Favourites
17 (who?)
Comments
13
Downloads
2
×
The days are cold, the nights grow dark.
The garden has now turned grey.
The icy chill is freezing lake as well as bark.
The first snow has fallen earlier today.

The days are grey, the nights are long.
The garden has now turned white.
But from afar I hear a song
And see a wonderous light.

Up in the winter's dark night-skies
I see a bright new shining star
And in the air a great song lies.
The light seems not so far.

The night - it is the Christmas night -
It has come round now at last.
It turns all the darkness bright.
It gives the world a joyous sight.
It strikes for me a newborn light,
Embraces me with all its might
Before the night is passed.

The days are cold, the night is gone.
A bright and new sun rise.
The darkness of the past is done,
Joy in the morning lies.
An allegory concerning old things dying and new things being born in reference to winter/Christmas.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconnotensmsk:
This is a nice approach to old things dying off but giving way to new things.

First coming to the theme. It is well stated - there is little ambiguity there and the hope or looking forward to better times is a positive aspect. Simple yet well expressed. Another work that revolves around Christmas I see :) nothing wrong with that though.

Now moving on wards, the rhyming works well. This is few of your rhyming works so I will stress on it. The rhyming is natural - it does not seem as if you choose a word only because it rhymed but because it was suitable. That is the case with the first three stanza's.

The fourth stanza has a abaaaab rhyming scheme. It is something I am not familiar with but I am totally fine with you "creating" new rhyming schemes. I myself don't want to stick with only convention. But since the 'b' rhyme is used scantily, it is not that apparent. BUT, the rhyming seems fine.

Having said that I wonder if you know about "meter" and how to maintain it along with syllable count. If I were to just state it, I think a consistent meter in this work would be beneficial but it is still good. No need to be worried.

That is all - Keep writing!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmagic6jewls:
Hi, I'm a critic from :iconthecritiquables:

I enjoyed this poem very much.

The rhyming pattern is beautiful. ABAB is a fine way to establish something like footsteps in the poem. Then, in the fourth stanza, the pattern changes. This gives the stanza extra emphasis --which is exactly what it needs. That is the turning point of the poem and it stands out in the most excellent fashion.

Not only is the rhyming wonderful, but the natural progression of events works in your favour. From late autumn to winter, to winter solstice, to Christmas. I assume this poem is about the birth of Christ or something Christian related (hence the star, birth, darkness to light, etc...). If so this idea is wonderfully rendered.

I must ask this though... What is this talk of the garden? I'm not sure many people would get the reference of the king seeing this --and I'm not even sure if you're referring to that. It may be better if you said fields instead, referring to the shepherds that saw the star and decided to see their newborn King.

Overall, great poem! And I'm terribly sorry for the late critique. It's no longer Christmas, but the hope that the Light brought with Him is still felt.

Continue writing!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The theme was well covered, and the overall presentation of this poem was managed sufficiently. While the rhyming seemed forced in the third stanza, it was minor: the fourth and fifth stanzas made up for it, and those were well handled.

Try writing more like this, its something you are able to handle well. it shows in your approach.
Reply
:iconyami-joey:
yami-joey Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Student General Artist
This is very sweet, inspiring.
"A bright and new sun rise.
The darkness of the past is done,
Joy in the morning lies."
Reply
:iconmalintra-shadowmoon:
Malintra-Shadowmoon Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a lot. This is one of my few traditional fixed forms. Usually I prefer the free verse. Glad you like it :)
Reply
:iconallison731:
allison731 Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats, you got HEART badge for this creation in :iconwhispermewish: group.
This is badge for creations which are so adorable that in every heart have place for them. :heart:
You can find your art in Badge-HEART folder in our group.
This is your 1st :iconwuvplz: badge. Collect 10 of this kind and your avatar will be in Heart-Badges folder forever. :sun:
Reply
:iconmalintra-shadowmoon:
Malintra-Shadowmoon Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Many thanks for that honour :)
Reply
:iconallison731:
allison731 Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You done great work. :thumbsup:
Reply
:iconmalintra-shadowmoon:
Malintra-Shadowmoon Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Many thanks :)
Reply
:iconnaked-in-the-rain:
naked-in-the-rain Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012   Photographer
This is a poem about hope, about a better tomorrow. I like the gradation in your writing style. It's a traditional form and you managed to write it really well. Your descriptions are picturesque and easy to read. A reader can find a nice message in your poem "Every cloud has a silver lining" or "Rainbow comes after the rain". Congratulations, you wrote a pretty poem (:
Reply
:iconmalintra-shadowmoon:
Malintra-Shadowmoon Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a lot for your beautiful and constructive comment :)
Reply
:iconnaked-in-the-rain:
naked-in-the-rain Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012   Photographer
You're welcome (:
Reply
Add a Comment: