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December 1, 2012
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Carefully, I step on the white dusted grass.
The frozen evening dew moistens me.
It is cold – I do not feel it.
Only the silence of the night is all around me.

My hair becomes entangled in an icy wind.
So that I fear to be blown away.
I reach out for the branch of a tree
To seek help and protection.

In front of me I can see the forest in awesome loftiness.
The trees welcome me.
Finally I arrive at the spot I am heading to –
The clearing – a spiritual place.

I stop in the middle of this circle –
Symbol of eternity, image of perfection.
I wait and only my breath can be heard.
Time seems to stand still.

Then, at last – the clouds flee
And unveil the radiating face of the moon.
Its illumination seems to cover everything
With liquid silver.
Shimmering gold is mingling among the
Silvery glittering night-blue sky.
Unnumbered stars are strewn into the night.

High up I lift my face.
My eyes catch the light of the moon and the stars.
I know that the time has come.

Determined I lower my head,
Raise the branch I hold to my heart, then to my brow.
Take a deep breath.
Nearly imperceptible I nod and bow.
I have understood.
:iconmalintra-shadowmoon:
Winter has come - with all the beautiful leaves lost and dusted with white as we have no real snow in my area. It is something water mixture - yes, white-coloured water :)


Contribution to the "Winter Wonderland" - Contest by the
:icontrees-with-character: - group.
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:iconleviathanandtad:
This is one of the greater poems I've seen lately. I love how you described the details of your surroundings so elegantly, using simple words and then just putting an amazing word in the midst of it all. I absolutely love how you described it so I could place an image in my head without going too much like Charles Dickens. I have a question: Is this about death? In the last few verses, it almost seems like it. Perhaps it could be taken like it's about learning or something else entirely. I'm curious to know. I also see no grammar issues, which earns you an even higher score. I love it with all my heart. I say this is my new favourite poem. Thank you, and bravo! Keep up the excellent work, my friend.
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:iconh-a-cooke:
Mood: Cheerful *H-A-Cooke Mar 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Technique: (alterations to original text are made in bold and described, in an effort to articulate how I experienced the piece).


"Carefully, I step on the white dusted grass,
frozen evening dew moistening me.
I do not feel the cold,
Only the silence of the night surrounds me."

:bulletred: Punctuation

Commas: In poetry the Comma (,) functions as a minute pause that helps increase the flow of the piece and separate different motions and ideas.

Periods: A period (.) in poetry puts an end to a train of thought and signals to the reader that they will be moving on to a new action or new set of ideas. If you're intending to use a "stream on consciousness" in your piece use periods only when you want to bring attention to a moment in time.

:bulletgreen: Word Choice (puts power behind your lines)

1. "I do not feel the cold," versus "It is cold – I do not feel it."

^ You can bring attention to details by stating them, rather than drawing out the line. Can you see how the first option (with the suggested edit) is more powerful? Your words haven't been changed, just put in a new order.

2. "Only the silence of the night surrounds me." versus "Only the silence of the night is all around me."

^ The more direct you make a line - using less words to get across the same idea,- the easier the reader falls into the mind of the Speaker and is able to experience the setting and physical senses of the moment.


"An icy wind entangles my hair,
So that I fear to be blown away.
I reach out "seeking help and protection
from the branch of a tree."

1. "An icy wind entangles my hair," versus "My hair becomes entangled in an icy wind"

^ I really love this line, the inclusion of something I can imagine in the winter time. Do you see how quickly the reader can be "in the moment" if you go directly to the action "icy wind entangles" rather than muddling it with lots of words? Also, I really love your use of the word 'entangled' to describe your hair, a nice action word that creates a strong image.

2. "I reach out "seeking help and protection/from the branch of a tree." versus "I reach out for the branch of a tree/
To seek help and protection."

^ The interaction between the Speaker and the forest shows a strong link, physically and spiritually, between the two. See how much stronger the edit is - for imagery and motion - than the original phrasing? It's still your words, just rearranged.

"In front the trees welcome me
in awesome loftiness,
At the clearing I am heading to –
a spiritual place."

^ There's a lot going on in this stanza. The more brief you are with words, and more clear you are with descriptions: like "welcome me" and "awesome loftiness", the easier it is for the reader to feel the magic of the location, to feel a spiritual connection to the forest.

"I stop in the middle of the circle –
Symbol of eternity, image of perfection.
I wait and only my breath is heard.
Time stands still."

:bulletgreen: Word Choice - The versus This

^ Some words are more concrete than others. 'The' gives a specific magic to the clearing the Speaker has chosen, rather than 'this' giving it a more generic delivery and tone.

1. "I wait and only my breath is heard.
Time stands still." versus "I wait and only my breath can be heard.
Time seems to stand still."

:bulletgreen: Concrete versus Abstract

^ Phrases like "can be" and "seems to" take the reader out of the moment, transforming the forest into a background image instead of a foreground image. But, if you replace those phrases with words that point directly to the 'breath' like "is heard" and "stands still" we are drawn more closely to the moment and to the feeling of immensity that you set up with the words "eternal" and "perfection."

"At last – the clouds flee
unveiling the radiating face of the moon.
Its illumination covers everything
With liquid silver."

^ The same advice about Concrete versus Abstract imagery. I also really like the word "radiating" to describe the moon. It gives the moon a power and beauty, showing the Speaker's perception.

"Shimmering gold mingles among the
Silvery unnumbered stars in
the glittering night-blue sky."

^ Although a line is omitted, the descriptive words add more flow and create images in a stronger sense when the words 'silvery' and 'glittering night-blue sky" are separated into lines that describe objects that makes sense: "silvery start" "glittering night-blue-sky."

"High up, I lift my face
eyes catching the light of the moon and stars.
The time has come."

^ If you remove ques that we are in the Speaker's mind (which we stay in for the whole poem) "the time has come" holds more weight in terms of enticing the reader to finish to the last stanza. Also, changing words and phrases to flow correctly, and to put us in the immediate emotion of the moment will make your lines and content support each other, while at the same time tying together the piece as a whole.

" I lower my head,
Raise the branch I hold to my heart, then to my brow.
Take a deep breath.
Nearly imperceptible I nod and bow.
I have understood."

^ This is a fantastic last stanza! The only change I recommend is to remove the word "determined." You show that the Speaker is determined through the actions of lowering the head, lifting the branch and the spiritual emotion attached to each gesture. the end Line "I have understood" really echoes in the mind of the reader - at least it does for me. I get the sense that the Speaker of the poem has given me a lesson, that I understand innately, although struggle with the immensity of it logically. Great job!

Below is the poem all together with recommended edits (which you can chose to use or not use depending on how you want the piece to be interpreted by the reader:

Carefully, I step on the white dusted grass,
frozen evening dew moistening me.
I do not feel the cold,
Only the silence of the night surrounds me.

An icy wind entangles my hair,
So that I fear to be blown away.
I reach out "seeking help and protection
from the branch of a tree.

In front the trees welcome me
in awesome loftiness,
At the clearing I am heading to –
a spiritual place.

I stop in the middle of the circle –
Symbol of eternity, image of perfection.
I wait and only my breath is heard.
Time stands still.

At last – the clouds flee
unveiling the radiating face of the moon.
Its illumination covers everything
With liquid silver.
Shimmering gold mingles among the
Silvery unnumbered stars in
the glittering night-blue sky.

High up, I lift my face
eyes catching the light of the moon and stars.
The time has come.

I lower my head,
Raise the branch I hold to my heart, then to my brow.
Take a deep breath.
Nearly imperceptible I nod and bow.
I have understood.
Reply
:iconh-a-cooke:
Mood: Content *H-A-Cooke Mar 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I wanted to leave a more in depth critique than 100 words (so I apologize ahead of time if the Technique section has a lot of commentary. I tend to explain my suggestions in depth.

Vision: 3/5

I can sense where you are taking the poem, but the imagery, which at specific lines could enchant me, falls short. It feels like I'm being told instead of shown the action and the lesson. Yet, I am further intrigued by the voice of the Speaker, because the Speaker seems enchanted and questioning.

Originality: 4/5

I feel like I go through a journey with the Speaker, discovering something insightful at the end. But, some of the images could be shown, rather than told. It's enjoyable to be given a strong sense of place in a poem. I can feel and smell the forest, the cold, and I can almost see the moon and stars.

Impact: 5/5

Despite the fallen moments, I keep returning to this piece. There's just something about it that "turns the gears" of my mind. It's hard to articulate what I'm connected to, and I think that leaves room for the poem to be improved.
Reply
:iconuplover:
~UPlover Mar 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This was so wonderfully described and I lived reading this poem. You have a very good description about winter. Wonderful job!!
Reply
:iconmalintra-shadowmoon:
*Malintra-Shadowmoon Mar 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a lot. I am glad that you like it :)
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
~shehrozeameen Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This poem's integration of the person becoming part of the winter itself is a naturalist aspect that can be taken in multiple perspectives.

For me, it represents that the person desires a certain purity; but to attain this purity, that person has come to acknowledge that they must hibernate; they must do so, for their souls to come to terms with their own nature that yearns not so much to be freed, but rather to be calmed down.

In that perspective, its a well written poem. However, this is my opinion - what it originally meant, is known to you.
Reply
:iconmalintra-shadowmoon:
*Malintra-Shadowmoon Mar 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for that really beautiful critique :)
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
~shehrozeameen Mar 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your welcome.
Reply
:iconfangingkilladawg:
Mood: Love ~FangingKillaDawg Dec 24, 2012  Student General Artist
that's beautiful.
Reply
:iconmalintra-shadowmoon:
Mood: Affection *Malintra-Shadowmoon Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a lot :)
Reply
:icontokikomosoto:
~tokikomosoto Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Finally a litterature piece in Etheric kingdom :) or maybe its cuz i havent been here in a while '__'
probably.
anyway..
this was an amazing piece of imagery ^_^
Reply
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